The sweetest sound!

11 weeks today!! Had my second appointment with the midwife. Today my appointment was with Bridgette. There are 3 midwives in the practice and I will get to meet them all. We went over all my health history information. I have a healthy family if I do say so myself. Of course the donor has a squeaky clean health history so that is pretty uneventful.
The plan, next appointment is in 2 weeks. I have to do an early glucose test (because I am overweight). So I have to drink the yummy orange sugar drink then go get my blood drawn. They will do other blood tests also. I declined any genetic testing or testing for down syndrome, neural tube defects, ect... They have a high rate of false positives and I wouldn't terminate the pregnancy anyway so it is pointless. I will get to have an ultrasound at 19 weeks. Around the beginning of February. I will have it done at the OB office that they consult with. The OB likes to meet all the patients at least once. That way if there is some sort of emergency I will have met the OB. Knock on wood. That;s when we will find out if we are having a boy or girl!!

The most exciting event of the day was hearing the heart beat!! About 160 beats/minute! What a sweet sound! I am sooooo relieved!! When I told my mom she said "Your having a girl." LOL, I think I am having a girl. My friends think I am having a girl. No one has said they think I am having a boy. Tracy wants a boy soooo bad! I really don't care. Really, I don't. Strange.

Oh... got diaper making supplies in the mail today. Next week I am going to start making some serious cloth diapers!! Pictures to follow!!

Midwife

So it was a no brainer decision for me to see a midwife. I am a nurse and it just makes sense to me. It surprise me how few people choose to go to a midwife. I wanted to have a real person that I can connect with deliver my baby. I didn't feel like I could get to know a OB in 5 minute visits once a month. Then to have him/her just show up in time to catch the baby. I don't know I just feel like I deserve better than that. With a midwife I get a birthing companion. She will see me for a minimum of 30 minutes at each appointment. I can give her MY birth plan and she will respect it. I will get all the same tests and monitoring as an OB. And I will be informed what all the tests are for and be given the option to decline. Why would I have test done to check for birth defects if I have no intention of terminating the pregnancy? And the best part ever is that when I get to the hospital my midwife will be with me until I deliver!! How awesome is that!! It just feels great to know that I will have a great advocate!!
On another note, how am I feeling? Not to bad. Just feel like a sleeping machine!! Getting some of my energy back, slowly but surely.
We have decided to use cloth diapers. And then I decided I would take a shot at making my own fitted cloth diapers. I have made a couple of prototypes. Working out the kinks. There are great resources online. The fabrics also has to be ordered online. I am waiting for some more fabric now to start making some more.
So other than that just hanging out. Hoping to have a change in my work schedule soon so I can come off night shift. I think that would make me feel a lot better!!

7 weeks 3 days ultrasound!

Here is our little bean!! OMG, it has grown so much in just over a week!! Nice strong heart beat!!

6 week ultrasound. Little gestational sac with a tiny heartbeat in the upper left corner.

Another great, AMAZING, ultrasound!!

Monday I had another ultrasound. Saw our little bean, with a healthy little heart beat. Measuring ahead of schedule at 7 weeks 5 days. My mom was there. She cried, Tracy cried, I was just so relieved to see a healthy little bean. I was released from the care of the fertility clinic. Going to call the midwives tomorrow to make my first appointment.
My mom took us shopping at babies-r-us. She wanted to buy some stuff cause she lives so far away and wanted to be able to enjoy the experience together. She bought us a car seat stroller set, a pack-n-play, a swing, a changing table pad, a crib mattress, some baby towels, receiving blankets, cloth diapers, and several odds and ends. I was not expecting that at all! Very exciting!! We also went to the fabric store and bought fabric for a baby quilt.
Hopefully I can get some ultrasound pics posted.

Little Flicker!!

Had my ultrasound on Wednesday. I was able to push it up a day cause some scheduling stuff changed. So I didn't have to much time to stress about it. After a few minutes of intense searching we found the heartbeat!!! It was a little tiny flicker in the upper left corner of the sac. So small but it was definitely there! Phew, pretty darn relieved!! Next ultrasound is Monday Nov. 15th. Hope my mom wants to come!!
I have tried a million times to upload the ultrasound picture but it just won't do it!!! I will try again in a few days. Going to rest, work the next 2 nights then off to the beach with my mom!! Yay!!! A happy vacation!!

Just some blah blah

Today is Monday and I am just waiting for Thursday to roll around. Just want to get this ultrasound over with. I am nervous but not as nervous as last time. Last time I cried everyday because I just knew something wasn't right. This time, I don't know it's just different. Maybe my pregnancy symptoms are more convincing. My breasts are very sore. It is worse some days than others but it's always there. No morning sickness but when I get hungry I must eat immediately or I get nauseous, light headed, and start to feel like I can't eat anything even though I am hungry. I have some strange pulling sensations in my lower abdomen. Mostly when I stand up real quick from sitting. I am definitely emotional, yesterday I cried when Brett Farve got hit in the chin during the game. Then I cried when Tom Brady hugged Randy Moss. Seriously!!

Just really trying to stay positive about this ultrasound but also trying to be guarded as well. If things go bad I have to be prepared. I will not really have anytime to have a melt down. I have to work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night. Then I am driving 5 and half hours by myself to the beach on Sunday after I get up. Then I have to spend the night alone at the resort before I pick up my mom on Monday morning. Yikes, I don't know if I am that strong. Hopefully I won't have to worry about it and everything will be good and I can celebrate!! That is what I want to do is celebrate. I am tired of disappointment.

Tracy and I have always overcome the hardships handed to us. And I think we handle them with grace. We have lost a house, been through foreclosure. Had job changes, working opposite shifts and days, surgeries, been through nursing school twice, phlebotomy school, cared for an impossible individual in our home, had some problems with alcohol and fighting, had to put a dog down, dealt with vacations alone, and the loss of a baby. I am sure there is much much more. It always seems like when get through something hard we are rewarded with something better! I hope this trend continues!!

All things have a way of working themselves out

Had my beta today!! 574.2!!! So awesome! That is doubling every 48 hours, exactly on schedule. I am quite a bit relieved today. And the ultrasound...they wanted to schedule it for 6 weeks!! So perfect, I didn't have to make any decisions about that!! It is scheduled for Thursday Nov. 4. I am very excited but still a bit nervous. It just really needs to be good. Everything is so aligned and it feels so right!! I just need this to work!! I am really hoping to surprise my mom with some ultrasound picture of my little bean!! Keep me in positive light...

Beta update!!

My beta on Thursday was 144!!! Holy cow that's awesome!! Having another on Monday to make sure we are still going in the right direction. I will schedule an ultrasound also.

Here is my dilemma: My doctor is going to want to schedule a 7 week ultrasound. Well I will be in Myrtle Beach with my mom that week! It is always something! I am really excited about going to the beach with my mom. She is flying to Myrtle Beach from NH, we are going to stay for a week then drive back here. She will stay for a few more days then fly back. So with that being said, wouldn't it be kind of cool to have my mom come to the first ultrasound if I scheduled it for Monday when we got from the beach? That would be 7 weeks and 5 days. But will I be completely insane all week while I am trying to have fun with my mom, maybe it would be a distraction to be at the beach? Do I want to ask for an early ultrasound, like on the Friday before I leave? That would be 6 weeks and 2 days. But if the ultrasound was bad or not what we would hope to see, (which is not going to be...positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts) would I then have a even more terrible week at the beach!! AAAAHHHH! This is driving me nuts right now! Feel free to give me some input! I'm freaking out here.

Alright, got to think about getting ready for work. Tonight is my Friday! Hopefully it's a good one!

Wow I really need to update!!

Sorry I have been so slack in my updating!! Holy cow. OK starting from the last post. I countinued to go to acupuncture once a week. She gave me some awful tasting herbs to take 3 times a day. On October 5th I went in for my ultrasound to check my follicles. And WOW I had 2 big ones!! One was 28mm and the other 21mm. Both big enough to ovulate!! I also had taken 7 days of Clomid instead of 5. So they gave me the trigger shot in the office that day and told me to come back for the insemination the next day!  When the nurse called me back into the lab and said that the sperm specimen had won the prize! It was the best frozen sperm she's ever seen!! WOW! So we did the insemination. I had 2 acupuncture treatments that day, one before and one after the insemination. I went home and waited for the next 12 days!

On Friday night October 15th I had some brown spotting while I was at work. I thought well this is it I am going to start my period and early at that. But nope, nothing. Saturday, nothing. Sunday afternoon when I got up I was sooooo not going to test. I just didn't want to see that single line. But after a few minutes of debating I peed on the darn stick. To my surprise I could see a very very faint second line!!! I thought well this can't be, but a line is a line is a line...

Monday morning I got up at 6am and tested...a darker faint line!!! And this morning at 6am and even darker line!!! Went for my Beta hcg and it was 51.2. I guess that's normal, what really matters is how much it goes up in the next 48 hours. Next beta is Thursday morning!! I am still cautiously optimistic and will probably not tell anyone for a while! But for now...

I am pregnant!!

Pieces

Update time: Had my second acupuncture appointment today. I got to be honest I wasn't really looking forward to it. But once I was there it all started to come together. I asked her for some advice as to what I could eat to boost my fertility. She gave me some herbs that contain all seeds. Seeds are the "essence" of what comes to be. So she recommends eating anything that is a seed...anything that can be planted to "create" something. Nuts, seeds, beans. I get the picture, put it my body what I want it to do. Makes sense. She also gave me Royal Jelly tabs. Royal Jelly is what the queen bee eats. And what does the queen bee do? Reproduces!! She also gave me some exercise to do to help with the flow of qi (chi). I'm willing to try anything. I did finally order the book The Way of the Fertile Soul. Hasn't come in yet.

As far as weight, diet and keeping active I failed miserably this week. I was just not feeling so great all week and damn it, it is still just to darn hot!! Next week is going to be much cooler so I will get back out there. Diet has not been to terrible. Got to try a bit harder to eat earlier in the day.

Fertility home front update: Finally my period has arrived, today as a matter of fact. (oh ya hoping for no cramps this cycle, acupuncturist did moxibustion on my uterus, she burnt mugwart on an acupuncture needle in my abdomen!) I am going to call the fertility clinic in the morning to make an appointment for an ultrasound. Hopefully no cyst so we can move forward with this cycle.

Back to work tomorrow night. Not sure how this night shift thing is working out with my body. Hopefully it is just because of my cycle but I was soooo tired this week. I couldn't get out of be until 11am on Tuesday and this morning. I don't go to bed until late but I would like to get up a bit earlier than that. I guess I can't have the best of both worlds. Night shift it will have to be for now....Peace

Decisions to make

I really need to update more often...Monday's acupuncture appointment was good. She made me think about some things that I have been trying to ignore. On the fertility front she feels that given the follicle fiasco this month that my body may be reacting negatively to the Clomid. She also explained some stuff about blood and energy flow to my reproductive organs. Chinese medicine is a lot to explain so I will have to leave the research to the reader. I myself have quite a bit of research to do as well. She recommended a book,  "The Way of the Fertile Soul: Ten Ancient Chinese Secrets", I think I am going to order it today. You can get a used copy for under $5 at Amazon.com. So we also talked about my weight, eating habits, depression, grief, and so on. Apparently they are all tied together and related. As far as weight and eating she recommended not eating protein at night (supper) because protein is for sustaining energy and we don't need that before we go to bed. She says to eat protein earlier in the day, breakfast and lunch, and save carbs, good carbs (low glycemic), for supper time. For example, sweet potato and salad or cooked greens. Have tried that this week and so far so good. She gave me some deep breathing exercises to do because she says that the area of my lungs related to grief is blocked up or something like that. I need to do more research. Concerning the needles, they don't hurt.

Now to the decision making part. Tracy and I have been going back and forth all week (good thing she was off) about whether to do an insemination next cycle or to wait 3 months while I am doing acupuncture. The reason being is taking more Clomid that could keep messing up my ovaries. We have then decided we would try 3 months of at home insemination. The cost is much less and I would have to do more monitoring. We would have to switch donors. After much debate we finally formulated a plan.

THE PLAN

Next cycle we are going to go ahead with the clinic IUI taking 7 days of Clomid as recommended by the fertility doctor. (This is assuming I do not have any cyst remaining from this cycle.)

If the next cycle does not work, then we are going to try ICI (intracervical insemination) at home. We have chosen to use a donor from Northwest Cryobank. They were recommended and after doing my research they appear to be the way to go. (Thanks Misty!) We have not yet determined whether to do 2 insemination or just one. We are still debating. I must get some feedback from some at home insemination veterans.  We have set the limit to 3 tries at home before going back to the clinic.

So that's the update. We change our minds quickly sometimes so hopefully we can remain on this track without any unforeseen obstacles.

Feeling bitter about these eggs.

I can get through this month of skipping an insemination. I am upset about it and I will continue to be upset about it all month. What I can't get over is the fact that I am having THE WORST ovulation pain EVER on BOTH sides!!!! So ya great I ovulated! But oh ya had to skip this months insemination because it was "too late." I get to feel the pain of ovulation and get nothing for it. And not just any old ovulation but both sides! I don't even think that has ever happened before. I am bitter, you betcha!!!

On another note it appears as though despite my gallant effort to exercise and lose weight I have only managed to gain a few pounds. I know, "muscle weighs more than fat" Whatever, I can still be bitter about that too.

Hopefully tomorrow will start the week out on a good note. Acupuncture appointment tomorrow afternoon.

Turning over a new leaf?

Today I biked 7 miles. Let me type that again. Today I biked 7 miles. I thought after the first mile or so, "This is crazy, I can't do this, I'm turning around." But a pushed through and made it to my destination. I should mention that my destination was the pet store up the road from my house. I had a filter and a container of charcoal that I was returning in my back pack. I was so excited when I got there and all I could think was I am buying a new bike seat with the money I get back on this filter. Nope. Think again. $70.00 store credit to a pet store. Not a big pet store, a small pet store that sells 90% fish. Oh well, I made it back home the bike back was a little easier. It felt good to know that I could do that.

My hips are very sore. Actually my legs feel as though they very well could detach from my body at any moment. Other than that I'm fine. Confession: I went to an all you can eat wing buffet at Wild Wings for lunch today. Lunch with friends, it was nice. I wasn't hungry for supper so I just ate a bowl of cereal.

That could quite possibly could be the most boring blog post ever.

Time for an update

Oh my I need to be better about updating. When I went to the Doctor's on Friday the ultrasound revealed several "small" follicles. Around 10mm. So he said to wait a few days and come back on Monday. He also suggested I take an Ovulation Prediction Kit every morning and to call him if it was positive. Well it was never positive so I went in on Monday morning for another ultrasound. Follicles still to small. Having to sit this month out. Next month I will take Clomid for 7 days instead of 5 days. My doctor is quite conservative and feels that less intervention is best. Needless to say I am feeling very defeated. I was so ready for this insemination. I hate having to wait out a month.

In order to make the best of this time I made an appointment with an acupuncturist. She specializes in fertility. I thought it couldn't hurt to have a little alternative help. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I also have decided to really ramp up my effort to lose some weight and increase my activity level. I weigh 183 pound right now and I am hoping to lose 10 pounds in the next month.

So my blog may be a little boring for the next few weeks. My acupuncture appointment is on Monday. I will post an update after that appointment.

Ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow

Tomorrow I go for my ultrasound to see what my ovaries have been growing these past 2 weeks. I am hoping for more than one follicle but I usually only have one good one. I don't know what is worse, the tww, or waiting to O. I always get so nervous that I will ovulate before the insemination. This time insemination is tentatively scheduled for Sunday which is CD15. Seems a little late, but my doctor knows his stuff so I will put my faith in the science of modern medicine.

This week I have had baby fever really bad. (or good). I have scanned the web and Consumer Reports for all the best baby gear. I have a crib, stroller, pack and play, infant car seat, a Moby Wrap, and cloth diapers all picked out. I even started a registry just so I can keep track of where all the stuff is that I want to buy. Hopefully I am not jinxing myself. I have not bought anything, just looking. :-)

I'll probably not be back with an update until Monday. I have to work the next 3 night. Have great weekend.

Tuesday August 24, 2010 Ultrasound

First ultrasound of the cycle today. No cysts. YAY!! Started on Clomid. It's old hat now. It used to be so exciting, every step of the way. It has definitely lost it's novelty. I just want this cycle to work. We need to move on with life. OK. I am not setting a very good example. What I really need to do is "enjoy the journey". Every step of the way is part of the process and some day I will look back and wish I could remember what I felt like on "that day". What everyday that is. So how do I feel today. Tired, positive, a little nervous.

I am slightly concerned about my new work schedule. I work as a night shift RN supervisor in a Long Term Care facility. Night shift is not really my shift of choice. I took it for two reasons. #1 I don't ever have to worry about my fertility appointments interfering with work and #2 I always feel like I need to be moving forward. How could I refuse a supervisor position? So my concern...well, I just hope my body doesn't go out of wack being on night shift. So far I feel like I am sleeping pretty well. Some days better than others. I work 12 hour shifts so I only work 3 nights a week. I sleep at night on my nights off. I don't have a hard time switching over, I just stay up a little later than I used too.

Thought for today on baby front. I keep wondering if we are actually going to use the beautiful metal crib we've had in the basement for the past 5 years. (It is safe, I called the company.)

Monday August 23, 2010 Finally ready to start another cycle!!

It seems like it has taken forever to start my period this month. But, it was right on schedule. I am scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to check if I have any cysts on my ovaries. This is routine when taking Clomid. I was told that after this try I will not have to have the pre-ultrasound again. Whatever, it is all just part of the process. So, I guess tomorrow I will start on Clomid for 5 days. I anticipate my next IUI to be Sept 5 or so. Hopefully this is our lucky month. We have only 2 vials left and really not sure how we are going to afford to keep trying after that point. I am not going to worry to much about it until that time comes. Here's to another round!!

Here is our story...

Welcome to our blog. Well it's Kathryn's blog but it's about us both. Tracy and I have been together for 8 years. I think we always knew we wanted children. We always agreed that I would carry the child, Tracy had no interest in that. I can't remember not talking about it. After 2 years together a friend of ours got pregnant by IUI. First try!! No meds!! We were like "wow this will be easy". So we made an appointment at the same fertility clinic. Well, long story short life took over. We bought a house, I went to nursing school, Tracy had a hysterectomy, and so on. All of a sudden many people around us are having babies. We start wondering why isn't this us? What are we waiting for? So in September of 2009 we took the plunge. Made another appointment with the RE and ordered our donor sperm. 3 vials and ready to go. This was way more complicated than we thought. So many appointments. Scheduling time off from work and school was a nightmare! But we did it. We did 3 IUI cycles on clomid. In January we got a BFP.

Now my expectations of how I would feel about this BFP was much different than reality. I was happy, excited, over joyed. BUT, I was very guarded. My beta HCG's were good. No reason to panic. Nurse said "see you in a three weeks fro your 7 week ultrasound." 3 weeks!!! Are you kidding me! If you think a 2 week wait is bad, you have no idea. I instantly knew something wasn't right. I was constantly worried. I spent 3 weeks crying, and worrying and everyone just kept saying "it's normal to feel this way, everything will be fine." Everything was not fine. On February 3 we went to the ultrasound appointment. Tracy was so excited to see the flicker of the heartbeat. I just knew something wasn't right. As I laid on the table looking at the ultrasound I knew that all my worrying was real. The RE said that all he could see was an empty gestational sac. No fetal pole, no yolk sac. We said I would miscarry because it was not a viable pregnancy. He want ed to schedule a D&C. I just wanted to go home.

So that's what I did. I went home. Canceled my trip to NH. (My sister had just had a baby and I was going to NH to visit. My plan was to tell my parents I was pregnant and show them the ultrasound picture.) Instead I called my mother, tried not to cry, tried to lie about why I was not coming. She's my mother, she knew better. I broke down in tears. I had to tell her. It was awful. Not how I had planned.

I spent the next 3 weeks on the internet looking for any hope that the ultrasound could be wrong, going to an ultrasound every week just to be reminded of the reality, this pregnancy was over. I scheduled a D&C.

I cried every day for I don't even know how long. I felt so empty. I was pregnant, then I wasn't. Just like that. I worked through the grief. I have some good friends who really kept me focused. We decided to wait until after I graduated in May to try again. Life went on.

In June I went for my CD3 appointment. Ultrasound revealed 2 huge cysts on my right ovary. Really?? Really?? The RE says "We'll put you on birth control for a month and they should be gone by the time your next period starts." Really?? Really?? I'm trying to get pregnant and now I have to take birth control pills. All I could do was laugh to keep from crying. So, ya took the birth control pills as instructed. Went to ultrasound appointment in July and no cysts!!

We decided to switch donors. Picked a new donor. (we use Xytex by the way, open donor). We had our last IUI at the beginning of July. BFN. It's ok though. I went to visit my family in NH will I was on my 2ww. I reconnected with my family and met my nephew. I fell in love with that little guy. It was hard to leave and come back. I realized how important family is.

So as of this moment. We are waiting for AF to arrive so we can start another cycle. We have 2 more vials and no more money. This is it. It has to work. I hate creative financing.