First ultrasound of the cycle today. No cysts. YAY!! Started on Clomid. It's old hat now. It used to be so exciting, every step of the way. It has definitely lost it's novelty. I just want this cycle to work. We need to move on with life. OK. I am not setting a very good example. What I really need to do is "enjoy the journey". Every step of the way is part of the process and some day I will look back and wish I could remember what I felt like on "that day". What everyday that is. So how do I feel today. Tired, positive, a little nervous.
I am slightly concerned about my new work schedule. I work as a night shift RN supervisor in a Long Term Care facility. Night shift is not really my shift of choice. I took it for two reasons. #1 I don't ever have to worry about my fertility appointments interfering with work and #2 I always feel like I need to be moving forward. How could I refuse a supervisor position? So my concern...well, I just hope my body doesn't go out of wack being on night shift. So far I feel like I am sleeping pretty well. Some days better than others. I work 12 hour shifts so I only work 3 nights a week. I sleep at night on my nights off. I don't have a hard time switching over, I just stay up a little later than I used too.
Thought for today on baby front. I keep wondering if we are actually going to use the beautiful metal crib we've had in the basement for the past 5 years. (It is safe, I called the company.)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday August 23, 2010 Finally ready to start another cycle!!
It seems like it has taken forever to start my period this month. But, it was right on schedule. I am scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to check if I have any cysts on my ovaries. This is routine when taking Clomid. I was told that after this try I will not have to have the pre-ultrasound again. Whatever, it is all just part of the process. So, I guess tomorrow I will start on Clomid for 5 days. I anticipate my next IUI to be Sept 5 or so. Hopefully this is our lucky month. We have only 2 vials left and really not sure how we are going to afford to keep trying after that point. I am not going to worry to much about it until that time comes. Here's to another round!!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Here is our story...
Welcome to our blog. Well it's Kathryn's blog but it's about us both. Tracy and I have been together for 8 years. I think we always knew we wanted children. We always agreed that I would carry the child, Tracy had no interest in that. I can't remember not talking about it. After 2 years together a friend of ours got pregnant by IUI. First try!! No meds!! We were like "wow this will be easy". So we made an appointment at the same fertility clinic. Well, long story short life took over. We bought a house, I went to nursing school, Tracy had a hysterectomy, and so on. All of a sudden many people around us are having babies. We start wondering why isn't this us? What are we waiting for? So in September of 2009 we took the plunge. Made another appointment with the RE and ordered our donor sperm. 3 vials and ready to go. This was way more complicated than we thought. So many appointments. Scheduling time off from work and school was a nightmare! But we did it. We did 3 IUI cycles on clomid. In January we got a BFP.
Now my expectations of how I would feel about this BFP was much different than reality. I was happy, excited, over joyed. BUT, I was very guarded. My beta HCG's were good. No reason to panic. Nurse said "see you in a three weeks fro your 7 week ultrasound." 3 weeks!!! Are you kidding me! If you think a 2 week wait is bad, you have no idea. I instantly knew something wasn't right. I was constantly worried. I spent 3 weeks crying, and worrying and everyone just kept saying "it's normal to feel this way, everything will be fine." Everything was not fine. On February 3 we went to the ultrasound appointment. Tracy was so excited to see the flicker of the heartbeat. I just knew something wasn't right. As I laid on the table looking at the ultrasound I knew that all my worrying was real. The RE said that all he could see was an empty gestational sac. No fetal pole, no yolk sac. We said I would miscarry because it was not a viable pregnancy. He want ed to schedule a D&C. I just wanted to go home.
So that's what I did. I went home. Canceled my trip to NH. (My sister had just had a baby and I was going to NH to visit. My plan was to tell my parents I was pregnant and show them the ultrasound picture.) Instead I called my mother, tried not to cry, tried to lie about why I was not coming. She's my mother, she knew better. I broke down in tears. I had to tell her. It was awful. Not how I had planned.
I spent the next 3 weeks on the internet looking for any hope that the ultrasound could be wrong, going to an ultrasound every week just to be reminded of the reality, this pregnancy was over. I scheduled a D&C.
I cried every day for I don't even know how long. I felt so empty. I was pregnant, then I wasn't. Just like that. I worked through the grief. I have some good friends who really kept me focused. We decided to wait until after I graduated in May to try again. Life went on.
In June I went for my CD3 appointment. Ultrasound revealed 2 huge cysts on my right ovary. Really?? Really?? The RE says "We'll put you on birth control for a month and they should be gone by the time your next period starts." Really?? Really?? I'm trying to get pregnant and now I have to take birth control pills. All I could do was laugh to keep from crying. So, ya took the birth control pills as instructed. Went to ultrasound appointment in July and no cysts!!
We decided to switch donors. Picked a new donor. (we use Xytex by the way, open donor). We had our last IUI at the beginning of July. BFN. It's ok though. I went to visit my family in NH will I was on my 2ww. I reconnected with my family and met my nephew. I fell in love with that little guy. It was hard to leave and come back. I realized how important family is.
So as of this moment. We are waiting for AF to arrive so we can start another cycle. We have 2 more vials and no more money. This is it. It has to work. I hate creative financing.
Now my expectations of how I would feel about this BFP was much different than reality. I was happy, excited, over joyed. BUT, I was very guarded. My beta HCG's were good. No reason to panic. Nurse said "see you in a three weeks fro your 7 week ultrasound." 3 weeks!!! Are you kidding me! If you think a 2 week wait is bad, you have no idea. I instantly knew something wasn't right. I was constantly worried. I spent 3 weeks crying, and worrying and everyone just kept saying "it's normal to feel this way, everything will be fine." Everything was not fine. On February 3 we went to the ultrasound appointment. Tracy was so excited to see the flicker of the heartbeat. I just knew something wasn't right. As I laid on the table looking at the ultrasound I knew that all my worrying was real. The RE said that all he could see was an empty gestational sac. No fetal pole, no yolk sac. We said I would miscarry because it was not a viable pregnancy. He want ed to schedule a D&C. I just wanted to go home.
So that's what I did. I went home. Canceled my trip to NH. (My sister had just had a baby and I was going to NH to visit. My plan was to tell my parents I was pregnant and show them the ultrasound picture.) Instead I called my mother, tried not to cry, tried to lie about why I was not coming. She's my mother, she knew better. I broke down in tears. I had to tell her. It was awful. Not how I had planned.
I spent the next 3 weeks on the internet looking for any hope that the ultrasound could be wrong, going to an ultrasound every week just to be reminded of the reality, this pregnancy was over. I scheduled a D&C.
I cried every day for I don't even know how long. I felt so empty. I was pregnant, then I wasn't. Just like that. I worked through the grief. I have some good friends who really kept me focused. We decided to wait until after I graduated in May to try again. Life went on.
In June I went for my CD3 appointment. Ultrasound revealed 2 huge cysts on my right ovary. Really?? Really?? The RE says "We'll put you on birth control for a month and they should be gone by the time your next period starts." Really?? Really?? I'm trying to get pregnant and now I have to take birth control pills. All I could do was laugh to keep from crying. So, ya took the birth control pills as instructed. Went to ultrasound appointment in July and no cysts!!
We decided to switch donors. Picked a new donor. (we use Xytex by the way, open donor). We had our last IUI at the beginning of July. BFN. It's ok though. I went to visit my family in NH will I was on my 2ww. I reconnected with my family and met my nephew. I fell in love with that little guy. It was hard to leave and come back. I realized how important family is.
So as of this moment. We are waiting for AF to arrive so we can start another cycle. We have 2 more vials and no more money. This is it. It has to work. I hate creative financing.
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